Wednesday, June 20, 2012

A very happy non-iversary to me

by JuditK via Flickr
3 years ago today, I was supposed to tie the knot. Instead, 6 months before, I gave my engagement ring back to my fiance and moved out of our apartment.

I've made passing references to my ex-fiance on this blog and I figured, what better day than today to address this skeleton in my closet?

The most common question I get when I divulge this bit of information is, "Why did you break it off?" My ex was not a bad person. He treated me well. He was creative, intelligent, kind, and devoted to me. We rarely fought. We had some swell times together.

As the wedding day got closer and closer; however, I didn't feel like I was making the right decision. Truth be told, I should have paid better attention to that feeling on our first date and especially on the day he proposed. There was a voice that told me no on both of those days, but I ignored it. I continued to ignore it until I made some less than wise decisions and couldn't continue to pretend like everything was okay.

Growing up in the environment that I did, I was always searching for an escape. I wanted to grow up fast so that I could finally leave. I was never happy with the present and pushed, fought tooth and nail, for the future to come now now now. This drive continued to direct me through college and into adulthood despite leaving behind the squalor. I graduated college in 3 years because I wanted to tackle the next big thing. Truth be told, I'm still running irrationally. I worked full time and went to school full time so I could get my masters as fast as possible and start my career already. The difference is, I'm not running blindly anymore.

I realized that I ran head first into a relationship with a man that I wasn't attracted to so that I could check that off my list and keep on running. If I started a home of my own, then I could erase the home that I came from, right? I could get on with it and be "normal." In reality, I felt incredibly, incredibly old. Honeymooners are supposed to be full of romance. I was struggling to reciprocate a kiss. I was settling for a man who loved me whom I didn't romantically love back. I couldn't do that to me. I couldn't do that to him. We both deserved better.

I made the difficult, right decision and ended the relationship. I vowed to live my young life as a young person and to not settle anymore. Life is not a race. No amount of running will free me from my past anyway.

So today I'm raising a glass in honor of my decision to continue to grow and respect the youth in my veins.

Cheers! Prost! Na zdravĂ­!

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