Interview series: TC

Next up for my children of hoarders interview series is fellow blogger, TC, from The 2000 Things.

I have decided that my stuff will no longer control me. I will control my stuff. I have vowed to remove 2000 things from my home every year to get back in control. I am not a hoarder, but I am an adult child of compulsive hoarders (COH). I have decided that I do not wish to live like my parents and leave such a cluttered legacy for my children. I am now learning how to view my possessions with less emotion and more reason and, in turn, am teaching my kids the same skills. My 2000 Things list gives me a simple structure to follow as I systematically deal with my clutter and accumulations.

Are your parents on the same level of hoarding or is one more prone to hoarding than the other? My mother is the main hoarder. It bothers my father greatly, although he is also guilty of collecting/keeping things, too. His items are very specific, however, and don’t tend to take up as much of the living space. The things my mother acquires and/or insists on keeping are absolutely everywhere in the house.

Is there a history of hoarding in your family? If so, who else hoards? Yes, my mother’s sister hoards to a lesser degree. She is very particular about what she acquires, but it is the volume of what she has that is the issue. She has learned the hard way that she has to keep it under better control, and has found outlets for what she loves to collect. For example, she loves to go to Goodwill or other thrift stores to look for antiques, but she realized that she could not continue to bring more things into her house. So to satisfy her desire to look for those hard-to-find items, she offered to help me locate items for a collection I have instead. I have given her a list of specific things on a wish-list, so she doesn’t randomly purchase items for me. It has worked well for both of us. My collection is not out-of-control, though!

My mother’s brother also hoards. He has recently begun to give away and recycle some things, but he has such a large volume of items in his house, yard and garage that it is going to take a lot of work to significantly reduce it. He keeps anything that might be useful.

Their parents did not hoard, but they were very poor and simply did not spend money on material items. They spent it on food for their large family, and making sure that they helped their kids with their education (all 6 went to university). In my experience, they didn’t spend money on anything new unless it was a necessity and/or the old item was not fixable, for example.

What are your parents' (HPs') favorite things to hoard? Mother: recipe books, clothes, magazines, newspapers, empty envelopes, food (two enormous freezers full, generally the food is well-stored), sentimental items, nearly everything my brother and I ever owned that we did not remove from the house ourselves, plants/plant-related items, furniture, teapots. Really, everything but actual garbage. They are clean that way.

Father: stereo equipment, items that might be useable in his business (electrical work, self-employed), hobby items.

How is your current relationship with your HPs? It is good, although I think that it is because I don’t live near them and so am not exposed to their stuff regularly. I see them at my house several times a year. I don’t go to see them much. This is largely because there is no room for us to stay with them, so it involves spending money on a hotel.

Do you have any siblings? If so, how is your relationship? How is their relationship with your HPs? I have one brother and we get along well. He is as frustrated with my parents as I am, and perhaps more, since he lives much closer. I am pretty sure that they use his property to store some of their things (he lives in a rural area and has buildings on his property). He’s not a hoarder.

Who else knows about your HPs' hoard? Quite a few people know, but they are mostly friends of my parents and family. I know the neighbors suspect it as the yard has lots of stuff in it and it has caused friction with them in the past, but they don’t visit. Most of the family finally figured it out about 10 years ago when my mother agreed to host a large family reunion event at their house. Thank goodness the weather was nice as it was impossible to host anywhere but the yard. There were many, many raised eyebrows and mutterings at that event. Interestingly, my mother has not often refused to let people visit the house. Most of my friends know about it, but I don’t think they truly understand as they’ve never seen the house.

When did you first realize that your HPs' behavior was abnormal? I knew it was odd when I was a little kid, since none of my friends’ houses looked like mine did, but the hoard was not bad then. By the time I was a teenager, it was clear that I should not invite others over as it was getting more cluttered and filled. I decided this on my own, my parents never told me not to have people over.

As I got older and moved out, I discovered first that I loved living in a normal, low-clutter environment. Over time, I realized that I did not know how to clean my place, how to sort my things and how to give things up. I didn’t know until I was teenager that the things that were at thrift stores were donated by people – who knew that you would do that? It was practically unbelievable to me.

When were you able to disassociate yourself from the shame of hoarding and begin opening up about it? It has been just in the past 3 or 4 years, and it became even more important to me to talk about it once I found the Children of Hoarders site. I had seen some of the tv shows on hoarding and realized that my parents were a lot like that (but always clean) and then started to research the disorder. When I saw how many kids were on online message boards saying how bad things were for them, I had to start talking about it more and more – it was awful to read that they thought they were the only ones. I’ve tried to be very active in replying to those sorts of messages. I feel that hoarding is like any other addiction or untreated mental health issue – it’s no good trying to ignore it and hope it goes away.

Once I started my 2000 Things List, I saw that I could write about the positive changes I am making in my life, despite my upbringing. I started blogging within a few months of that.

2000 seems like an awfully large number of things to get rid of. Were you tempted to choose a smaller goal or do you think you will be in the future? The 2000 goal was not actually mine to begin with; it came from a friend of my cousin’s. When I heard about her New Year’s resolution to get rid of 2000 items, I was really taken with the idea. I decided to try it over the last few months of that year (2011) and was able to achieve it without too much effort. Maybe if it had been harder I might have lowered my goal, but 2000 seems to be my sweet spot. I am confident that I can continue to find 2000 things. I have kids, and they generate so many things to add to the list!

The things I count are not all large items so it has been easier. I’m not a minimalist or trying to pare my life down to 100 belongings. I’ve counted gift bags, twist ties, CDs, magazines, photos, old calendars, socks – if the item was hanging around my house and I didn’t need/want it anymore, it was a candidate for the List. In fact, the largest items I’ve included was a winter coat. I’m not into giving away or selling my furniture or anything! I do have a couch in my basement that I would love to sell, but the rest of my family might not agree.

You've done this challenge for multiple years. Has it gotten easier or harder to find 2000 items every year? I’ve done this in 2011 and 2012, and am working on my List for 2013. It has gotten harder but only because I’ve cleaned up the easy stuff. Now I have to look a bit deeper and think a bit more, but I still have many items I know I can remove. Currently, I have just over 400 tick marks on my List for 2013, which is pretty good for the first three months. I am in a cleaning mode right now, so I expect to get to 500 soon.

My house is not hoarded, and I don’t have clutter (except my office) or ridiculous collections of things. However, I am not comfortable with how much I have in my house, for which I totally blame my parents. I feel better knowing that I have the control over what I keep or give away. So my 2000 Things List is not about getting rid of all my magazines, or all the clothes I rarely wear, or all my kids’ outgrown toys, but making good decisions about what to keep. My parents rarely make decisions about what to keep – it just happens.

How do you find/make the time to identify 2000 things to get rid of? Looking for items for the List is now a habit. It is also a fun challenge to see what I can find to give away/recycle/use up/discard every day. It’s almost disappointing when I can’t find something for the List. I try not to let it take up much time, but now and then I will remove items from a drawer or cabinet and really look through them to see what I should keep. If I get the urge to donate a piece of clothing, for example, right away I put it with other items to donate and so I will not to think about it too much (or I might keep it). Some items I have to think about for longer, to determine whether I really can/should remove them and how. They are usually items that should be sold. That takes a bit more time.

Do your parents know about your challenge? If so, how do they feel about it? I am not sure if they know – they might have overheard me mention it to someone else. I don’t think my mother would appreciate or understand what I’m doing and why, although my father would. She’d flip if she knew some the things I’ve given away.

As someone who also struggles with having piles of papers, what are some tactics you've discovered to reduce paper clutter? Now, when I get paper on my desk, I try to figure out what to do with it right away. I keep a lot less paper than I used to. Old papers, from school or my volunteer activities, are ones that I am still working through. I have recycled a lot, but it is tough, especially if I think the information might be needed again. I’m improving at getting rid of the obviously out-of-date materials. If I can’t immediately remember why I kept a newspaper clipping or magazine article, I ditch it. It couldn’t have been that important!

I used to have lots of trouble with birthday, Valentines, Christmas cards and such. What I am trying now is to keep only the most recent of those cards from only certain people. At one point, I had a stack of 10 years’ worth of those cards on my desk. It kept falling off the desk and that’s what made me annoyed enough to find a strategy for handling them. I still feel bad about recycling any cards, however.

Have you ever sought any kind of therapy for dealing with your HPs and living in a hoard? No. What I went through was not even close to the horrible situations I hear about with some COH. What I do worry about is what happens when my parents get a bit older and perhaps less mobile. They are insistent that they want to stay in their house no matter what, and sadly, they won’t be able to unless they clean up the hoard. That might just require some professional intervention for both them and me (as well as my brother). I try not to think about the ghastly job of having to clean out the house, buildings and yard when they are gone, too. I would need therapy if I were to dwell on that too much.

Do you have any hope that your HPs will eventually stop hoarding? Why or why not? No, I don’t expect my mother ever will, except if she becomes too infirm to go out there and get more things. My father does not enjoy dealing with all the stuff in the house, so he might stop, but it will make little difference. My mother knows that she has too much in the house (she will sometimes say so) but she doesn’t know where to start and can’t stop acquiring. She’s also very hostile about others cleaning up the house, even my father.

What is at least one positive thing you were able to glean from living in a hoard and dealing with your HPs? Learning more about hoarding and why it happens has given me a lot of insight into my mother’s mind, just from learning about others who are similar to her in upbringing, personality, and coping skills. Some people go through life with a rosy, warm and fuzzy view of their parents, who are never real people to them. I can see the real person my mother is, both her positive attributes (and there are many) and her shortcomings. I think I am better able to understand why people are the way they are.

On a much brighter side, I love seeing empty corners and the place where the wall meets the floor in my house. There were no empty corners or baseboards visible at my parents’ home.

What are some ways you coped with living in a hoard? I tried very hard to keep my mother’s things out of my room when I was living at home. I was mostly successful, but unfortunately, I had developed hoarding tendencies of my own so the room was pretty full. I overcame most of those by my early 20’s when I moved away. I was pretty lucky that our house was still usable – there was a tiny kitchen, a table to eat, and a functional bathroom. There wasn’t a couch to sit on after a while, but there were always kitchen chairs. I love having lots of different places to sit at my house!

Do you have any advice for others currently living in a hoard or trying to cope with their HP? Lots of others have said this, but I believe that it does get better. You don’t have to live in that house forever. If the conditions are really bad, you don’t even have to live there now because, more and more, people know about hoarding and how awful it can be for kids. Find someone to talk to and see if there’s somewhere else you can live. I still think there’s work to do but I’m pretty sure that when I was a kid, no one would have believed that living in a hoarded house should be a reason to remove a child. Now they do.

If you are on your own and out of your HP house, don’t let them suck you into their drama and their problems. Help them get them help if they want it or if they truly need it for their own safety. But if they don’t want your help, and they fight you at every turn, then stop damaging your own mental health trying to clean up the mess they’ve made. You need to focus on your own life, kids, relationships, and work. If they are toxic to you, stay away from them. But if you can find a way to have a relationship that doesn’t involve the hoard, enjoy it. And if you don’t know how to live like the rest of the normal world, there are many of us out there who are figuring it out and would love to help!

Thank you, TC, for sharing your experiences! If you are a child of a hoarder and are interested in being interviewed over email, please shoot me a message!

Interview series: Rae

My children of hoarders interview series continues with fellow blogger, Rae, from Not Just Clutter.

My name is Rae, and I’m the daughter of a hoarder. I try not to let that define me, but my blog is all about my relationship with a compulsive hoarder. Otherwise, I’m happily married, with 2 beautiful daughters, and have a great career. I’m creative and love to sew, read, and pursue photography. And yet I struggle with my Mother’s mental illness. My blog is where I try to sort out my feelings about the situation, and deal with the stress of trying to help someone who doesn’t want it.

Whenever I discuss compulsive hoarding with others, I find they think it’s just slightly more than average untidiness. They’re amazed to learn how serious it is, and how devastating the results can be for the family of someone with the disorder. They watch the shows like Hoarders or Buried Alive, and are disgusted. Often, they’re compelled to go and purge some of their own belongings, or clean their fridge. ”How can anyone possibly live like that?” they ask me. ”Why don’t they just throw the garbage away? They’re just being lazy.” Well, that’s just not the case.

And so explains the name of my blog…I want to give you a personal view so you’ll see it’s ‘not just clutter.’

Do you have any hoarding tendencies? I'd like to say no. But there are times when I'm faced with decluttering something and I have to talk myself into tossing it away. I can easily put emotional value on something, but then I let my analytical side kick in and get me past it.

Is there a history of hoarding in your family? If so, who else hoards? I don't think there's a history of hoarding. My maternal grandmother kept her home very tidy and didn't seem to have too much of anything extra laying around. Despite that, I suspect being the youngest child in a poor family with a drunken father probably had a big part in my Mom's mental health development.

What are your mom's favorite things to hoard? Mom loves to keep anything crafty. Vintage or modern patterns (especially if they're doll-related), bits of antique lace, scraps of leather, and wool. She's got the tools and supplies for just about any handicraft you can imagine. She's actually very talented, and her "craftiness" is definitely a bit part of her identity. Now that she has eliminated all useable work space and her own physical health has deteriorated, she doesn't do any of her projects anymore....that hasn't kept her from collecting more though. You know, for "someday."

Craft supplies aside, she has also kept all the stuff I left there when I moved out, and all of my Dad's stuff. He passed away almost 7 years ago but she still has all his clothes, and everything from his concrete lawn ornament business. She also loves the thrill of the hunt. If she hears that someone is even casually looking for something specific, she is on the job! Which is sometimes cool, but other times unnecessary. And if you express an interest in something, she loves to add to YOUR own collection. When I took up sewing as a hobby, she loaded me up with all sorts of sewing manuals and fabrics that were outdated and not my style.

How has your relationship with your mom changed since you moved out of the hoard? We used to be really close and I'd look forward to our weekly calls. Now, I almost don't want to be bothered because all she wants to talk about is the people she meets at her favourite thrift store and what deals she scored there. I find our conversation is very shallow now. I don't feel like sharing as much with her anymore because she's lost touch with reality. I miss the vibrant, creative woman that used to be my mother. I suspect she's in there somewhere, but buried under all her piles of stuff. I wonder if I actually have it in me to dig her out, or if it's even possible.

How does your relationship with your mom differ from your sister’s? My sister has less patience than I do, and I think could walk away from Mom and never deal with her again. One major thing both my sister and I notice is that Mom's hoarding problem ends up being the main topic any time we chat. It's so totally consuming. I think that's something people don't realize when they think about mental illness. It really does become a focus and distraction for all the loved ones.

How did your dad handle the hoarding while he was alive? Did his death trigger worse hoarding behavior? In his last few years, I think Dad started to contribute to the hoard in his own way. He had a few things he collected, but nothing was ever put on display, it was just piled on the table. The hoarding started before his death, but it certainly took over after he passed. I can imagine why...suddenly finding yourself alone in a big house after being married for over 40 years, and before you know it, you're filling the void with stuff.

Who else, besides your sister, knows about your mom’s hoard? Mom's physician, who is also my Sisters physician. Mom doesn't know she knows. We also have a family friend who is close to Mom who is aware, and it's often from her we learn extra details to Mom's life that she doesn't tell us. It takes communication between this family friend, my sister, and myself to figure out the truth of any story Mom tells us.

Do you think you have a stronger relationship with your sister because you survived living in the hoard together? Do you two talk about your mom’s hoarding? We talk about it alllll the time. Ad nauseum, really. We sick of it, but we're always just racking our brains about how to handle it. My relationship with my sister has waxed and waned over the years depending on what's happening in our individual lives. We didn't live in the hoard like it exists today. When we were kids, the house was always cluttered and untidy. It took a lot of work from the whole family to get the main rooms ready for guests.

When did you first realize that your mom's behavior was abnormal? As I got into high school, I think. I wanted to bring friends home to hang out, but didn't dare without trying to do a major clean up. I usually ended up spending more time at other's houses. It was always so refreshing that I could drop in at any time and be welcomed. That would never happen at our house; we had doorbell dread. After I moved away for college, it got worse. It wasn't until years and years later and I saw Oprah discuss hoarding on her show that I realized that Mom's untidiness was more complicated. I called my sister and told her about it, and suddenly lots of things started to click into place for us.

When were you able to disassociate yourself from the shame of hoarding and begin opening up about it? In the last few years I've noticed compulsive hoarding getting more and more attention in the media. Often the response by the public is disgust and scorn. I wanted to step forward and start creating a better awareness about hoarders and their relatives. I want everyone to remember when they see shows like Hoarders, those are real people with real emotions and people who love them.

Have you ever sought any kind of therapy for dealing with your mom and living in a hoard? Writing my notjustclutter.com blog IS my therapy. It's been a huge help. Once I type out what's bothering me and hit publish, it's wonderfully liberating. It doesn't solve my Mom's living conditions, but it gets it all off my chest.

Do you have any hope that your mom will eventually stop hoarding? Why or why not? I have no hope about this. Mom lacks any level of insight that she has a problem. She would need to finally admit she needs help and then attend extensive therapy.

What is the most disgusting or interesting thing you encountered in the hoard? I know my sister found a mouse floating in the toilet there once. I also know Mom had a problem with wild critters getting into the house and creating a huge mess in the kitchen. I suspect that's never been fully sanitized.

What is at least one positive thing you were able to glean from living in a hoard and dealing with your mom? That's a tough question. There's lots you don't get while living with a hoarder, like how to properly clean a home, cook a meal, or organize anything. I suppose one good thing I've learned from being the daughter of a hoarder is empathy for anyone dealing with mental illness in their family.

What are some ways you coped with living in a hoard? I had moved away before it really got serious. But as a kid, there was always stuff all over the place. If you wanted to use a table, you had to clear it first. I cleaned the bathroom sink and bathtub myself. But because I didn't know any better, I just wiped them down with wads of toilet paper. I didn't know any better.

What are some ways your sister coped with living in a hoard? My sister is 10 years older than I am, so she moved out way before I did.

Do you have any advice for others currently living in a hoard or trying to cope with their HP? Remember that there's a real person behind that hoard. Probably the trickiest thing is not getting resentful they're picking stuff over you...I really don't believe they would if it weren't for the mental illness. And most importantly, it's not your problem to figure out. You're not to blame, you're not the cause of it, and you are not doomed to living the life of a hoarder, too. And most importantly, you're not alone.

Thank you, Rae, for sharing your experiences! If you are a child of a hoarder and are interested in being interviewed over email, please shoot me a message!

Interview series: Matt

My children of hoarders interview series is rolling right along. Matt from Stepping Out of the Fog is the next interviewee.

Hi, my name is Matt. I'm 42 years old, married and have 3 kids. I work in high tech marketing. I enjoy writing short stories, drawing, photography and watching movies.

Do you have any hoarding tendencies? No I don’t believe I have hoarding tendencies. Having seen the impact of hoarding and really results of indecision in regards to possessions and objects, I am aware of the accumulation of stuff. I feel like this awareness is not necessary natural and something that I have to stay on top of, that I could easily let things build up and not question myself about how important certain objects or documents. My wife knows the hoarding history and when she says, “Hey what are these empty camera boxes in the closet?” a shrill goes up my spine and I think to myself, ‘Oh no! Is it happening to me to? Am I holding on to useless stuff?’ Then I realize this is just a couple of boxes. I look at them and dispose of them. Maybe twice a year I’ll look at my closet and say, ‘Ok things are piling up, and I think there are clothes that I haven’t touched all year.’ Then I go through the closet and sort out what I wear, and what is no longer being worn and take that stuff to a clothing donation center. Sometimes the mail starts to pile up and I don’t go through that on a regular basis, but when I see that pile growing my internal alerts perk up, and I say to myself, ‘hoard’ and sit down and go through the mail that has accumulated.

Is there a history of hoarding in your family? If so, who else hoards? Good question. The hoarding in the family came in two waves. First my father was the primary hoarder. He is an only child, and I am not aware of any of his relatives are hoarding (of course these things are usually family secrets). Then when my grandmother died (mother’s mother) my mother brought the inventory of her entire home down to our house and that served as the base for a hoard that took over the house. Looking back, my grandmother lived with her brother who was paralyzed from a stroke. He didn’t leave the house much. The main floor was well tended, but the basement was more cluttered, and the garage was full of stuff and locked. This uncle (my grandmother’s brother) would probably be considered a low level hoarder, collecting stuff, filling up rooms but overall the house was still navigable.

What are your parents' favorite things to hoard? It started with newspapers. When I was little there was two piles of newspapers next to my father’s easy chair. I would sometimes look through the pile and check the dates, noticing that they went back even a couple of years. As I mentioned in the previous question, the stuff from my grandmother’s house piled up, including everything from boxes of dishes and to furniture (several bed frames). My father regularly accumulated books and after they filled up the room designated for his hoard, books piled up in different rooms. With the advent of CostCo and outlet clothing stores, the hoarding tendencies went into overdrive regularly adding to their inventory with new ‘bargains’ that got at different sales. Recycling and green thinking also drove a lot of their hoarding. They kept all the tea bags, coffee grounds, fruit and vegetable peelings ostensibly to add to a compost pile outside. First this stuff collected inside. And if they got around to removing it, then it would go outside. Compost piles are supposed to be used for enriching the soil of a garden. Their compost pile was just that, a pile. In addition, since aluminum, paper goods, glass, and plastics could all be recycled these were saved until they could be properly recycled. On the other side of getting bargains were saving coupons, so for many years my father’s newspaper pile was maintained on the basis that he had to sort through the newspapers to get all the coupons out, even though the coupons themselves had probably expired. At one point my parents finally decided to discontinue their newspaper subscription, which I saw as the most positive breakthrough ever. They also went after rebates, so this meant they held on to all (yes all) packaging. One wall of the garage had some shelves and boxes upon boxes of packaging so that box tops or other items on the boxes could be cut out for rebates. The rebate project was carried out slowly and I don’t know to what extent it saw returns. They held onto all the packaging whether or not they were aware that a rebate could be acquired, and it was a production for them to go through the packaging find the correct items, and then fill in the form for the rebate. The packaging piled up on the kitchen counter, and kitchen table, before being sorted out (if ever) to go out into the garage. My father also wanted to hold onto items that he thought would appreciate in value, so with CostCo he got boxes upon boxes of baseball cards and football cards. He filled up boxes with Star Wars toys, and collected die cast metal military toys, saying ‘these will be collector’s items’.

How has your relationship with your parents changed since you moved out of the hoard? I moved out for university and started to get a different perspective on my parents. I didn’t identify the hoard as playing a central role in my relationship with my parents, but felt that their tendency to blame me or simply make me crazy with frustrating behavior. I spent my third year of university abroad and then after finishing university I left the country permanently. Growing up, whenever I raised the issue of the clutter in the house I was told that it was my fault because I was disturbing my parents and not allowing them to deal with the clutter. Since moving out, I gained perspective, seeing that their claims against me were false and even with my infrequent visits their house just sunk into a worse state.

How does your relationship with your parents differ from your sister’s relationship with them? I think from a very early age I realized instinctively that my parents were emotionally crippled and unable to provide warmth, comfort and support. In response, something shut down within me and I didn’t reach out for love and warmth, in retrospect this was more of a survival technique. I continued to find my parents very frustrating and just tried to avoid to maneuver around their neuroses. I would sometimes try to question my parents on a logical basis, asking about the collection of stuff accumulating. I was made to feel that my hands were tied where just by talking to my parents, I was distracting them from their efforts to deal with stuff. They further restricted my actions by insisting that much of the boxes brought down from my grandmother’s place were antiques and I shouldn’t move the boxes since that would damage the items. So I adapted, becoming colder, and accepting life within these boundaries. My sister was more emotional. Both she craved more validation and support from my parents, and she made her opinions blatantly clear, going head to head with them about things that didn’t make sense. This put her on the receiving end of my parent’s wrath and fire. She got yelled at a lot more. Often children of hoarders describe how in the family dynamics one sibling is favored, considered a golden child, and the other is scorned. I was the golden child, which was a useful strategy for my parents. It directed my sister’s rage towards me, making me concentrate on defending myself and trying to explain that this was my parent’s label, not mine.

Do you and your sister talk about your parents' hoarding? Do you think you have a stronger relationship with your sister because you survived living in the hoard together? Unfortunately not. I try to talk about it with her, but when I bring it up she replies with, ‘You left. It just got worse after you left. And I had to deal with them alone.’ So I would say that my sister holds a lot of resentment towards me. I have tried to be understanding and realize where she is coming from, but our relationship has not grown stronger despite our history.

How does your wife handle your parents and their hoarding tendencies? First of all, my wife doesn’t have to deal with it up close. We live in a different country. Since getting married we have only been back to my parent’s city twice. On the second visit, I insisted that my wife come and see my parent’s house, and she got see how the house was hoarded first hand. My mother escorted us from room to room without any embarrassment. My parent’s send packages and my wife makes sure to wash the clothes before the kids can wear them. Even though we are far away, and my parent’s visits are only once a year, my wife still concerned about them, wondering how they can get by in that environment, that they aren’t sick more often.

Do you feel a need to protect your children from your parents? If so, how have you coped with that? Not really. They see my parent’s infrequently and have never seen their home. They are unaware of this history.

When did you first realize that your parents' behavior was abnormal? I think I clued into this around 8 or 9. We moved homes from a small, one story home to a larger 6 bedroom place with a basement. After the move, the house was cluttered and I would ask about that, when we would sort things out. I would be told, ‘we’re still moving in.’ After awhile I realized that this was their excuse, and nothing would change.

When were you able to disassociate yourself from the shame of hoarding and begin opening up about it? In my twenties, around 24 or 25, I had started going to therapy. That was when I really opened up about our living situation, the way I grew up, and how my parent’s behaved.

Have you ever sought any kind of therapy for dealing with your parents and living in a hoard? I wouldn’t seek out therapy for my parents to directly deal with the hoard situation they live in. I went for therapy for about 8 years to deal with all the baggage and issues that had built up in my life as a result of coming out of the hoard.

Do you have any hope that your parents will eventually stop hoarding? Why or why not? No. No hope. This is engrained in their DNA. I have suggested and offered to them other paths in life, that they could consider living in the same town I live in, and rent an apartment. They have their excuses like ‘Oh we can’t go away, we have a doctor we know.’ Then a few months later, they will tell that their doctor is retiring (there goes the excuse) but now they have to focus on finding a new doctor.

What is the most disgusting or interesting thing you encountered in the hoard? Interesting is just the sheer accumulation of stuff from various points in life. Disgusting is the saved tea bags and vegetable peelings. They also saved the top of the their wedding cake, it is in their freezer.

What is at least one positive thing you were able to glean from living in a hoard and dealing with your HP? I am a survivor. I learned to be very aware of myself and to be much more insightful into my behavior and others. In some ways, coming out of the hoard made me into a stronger person, pushing me to want to create my own life, and determine for myself how it should be.

What are some ways you coped with living in a hoard? Like I mentioned, I emotionally disconnected myself and just walked around it. I would engage my parents in questioning about when they were planning to do something, but would just get frustrated by their illogical responses.

What are some ways your sister coped with living in a hoard? My sister was much angrier and clashed more with my parents. At 19, she met a guy at work, got pregnant and left the home.

Do you have any advice for others currently living in a hoard or trying to cope with their HP? The first bit of advice I would give to other children of hoarders is that you are not alone. I know that I felt this was my private, unique experience. Then I would say that you are not responsible for this situation, no matter what your parents are telling you. And most of all this doesn’t need to determine your future, the hoard can be overcome and you can live life the way you want to.

Thank you, Matt, for sharing your experiences with such detail! If you are a child of a hoarder and are interested in being interviewed over email, please shoot me a message!

Interview series: Diane

Next up for my children of hoarders interview series is Diane. The floor is yours!

I am 40 years old and going through my midlife crisis, husband supported. I play video games/board games and spend time geeking out with a friend of mine doing math. We even took the mensa test for fun at one point. I am a full blown computer nerd. Capital N. I don’t have pets or kids because I hate having someone or something depending on me. My mother always depended on me.

Which parent hoards? My mother. It was only her and I growing up.

Do you have any hoarding tendencies? Hmm. No, not really, though I lived messy for quite some time. I thought it was normal to live that way and clean up for company.

Is there a history of hoarding in your family? If so, who else hoards? I am not sure but I think my grandparents did. They had a huge attic that was full of things. And one bedroom that was stuffed as well. It didn’t take over the whole house though.

What are your hoarding parent (HP)’s favorite things to hoard? This is a hard one. She liked to save everything. Mail/papers, food, collectibles, clothing, cat litter (used and new) and.. well basically if you can name it, she kept it. She loved shopping and had 80k in debt at one point and had to declare bankruptcy.

How is your relationship with your HP? Feb 2009 we broke contact. I have had little contact since then. She faked a stroke (at least, we believe she did) but has since had a real stroke and memory loss, though she is good at not paying attention so we still aren’t 100% sure about how realistic it is. She faked the first I believe to stop working and come live with us. I found out when we went to her house to get her pets how bad the house was. Dog had to be put down, cat came to live with us but was starving and living in filth there. She had also used money I had given her for her mortgage payment to purchase more exercise equipment. This was the final straw for me.

Do you still live at home? If not, when did you move out? No. I am 40 now but I went away to college at 18, came home for summers for two years, then took a year off and moved out. So I was 21.

Does anyone besides your HP currently live in the hoard? If so, who and how are they handling it? No. My mother actually doesn’t live in the hoard anymore. After the second stroke they moved her into new housing and wouldn’t bring the hoard.

Who else, if anyone, knows about your HP’s hoard? My family and friends know. I haven’t kept it a secret once I found out how bad it was. I try to use it as a way to explain some of my weirdness.

When did you first realize that your HP’s behavior was abnormal? After I started leaving and coming home from school. That was the first time. It would be a mess and Prior to that the mess was contained in a few rooms and the garage. But I would come home, and suddenly it was everywhere. She was always cluttered, but I don’t believe hoarded until I completely moved out.

When, if ever, were you able to disassociate yourself from the shame of hoarding and begin opening up about it? So, I had this experience where my then boyfriend (now husband) and my best friend came to my house and kept offering to help me clean up. I wasn’t hoarded, just messy. I would clean for company but they surprised me a couple of times. It was then that I started opening up about it.

Have you ever sought any kind of therapy for dealing with your HP and living in a hoard? Therapy yes, but not for the hoard. More for the narcissistic mother I had.

Do you have any hope that your HP will eventually stop hoarding? Why or why not? Like I said above, I think she was forced out of it by the second (or real) stroke. Now other people are managing her care, and they won’t allow it. She is bad enough that she doesn’t fight them. Or doesn’t remember.

What is the most disgusting or interesting thing you encountered in the hoard? Oh man… when we first discovered how bad the hoard had gotten (she hadn’t let me in for a few years) we took video in case we had to involuntarily commit her. On rewatching the video, I saw poise pads everywhere. Her toilet in her bathroom didn’t work, but there were two others in the house, however, I believe she was using the poise pads to pee instead of the toilet. They were EVERYWHERE. Bags and bags and bags of poise pads (new) I didn’t see any used, but honestly I didn’t look that hard either. Also the cat litter. She would put used cat litter into bags and stack it up in this large box (think 4 ft x 4 ft) and just keep piling and piling. It was almost to the ceiling. Yuck.

What is at least one positive thing you were able to glean from living in a hoard and dealing with your HP? I know how unimportant things are. I know that memories are more important. I take pictures of myself with anything I think of as a memory piece and unless I can display it in some way normally, I donate it. Get the junk out of my house! :-)

What are some ways you coped with living in a hoard? When it is all you know you sort of get used to it. It wasn’t as bad when I was young. It really took a downhill turn when my mothers mother died when I was 16. Then I moved partially out at 18. Then my mom lost her cat (this weird, symbiotic relationship where they would talk to each other) when I was about 21. Then she pretty much went full on hoard where you could barely walk through the house and had a few goat trails. It was bad in parts of the house before (2 car garage full of stuff, office you couldn’t open the door to, bedroom closet that couldn’t be used) but it really went off the rails after the cat died.

Do you have any advice for others currently living in a hoard or trying to cope with their HP? My only advice: get out asap. Learn to keep a clean home so you feel normal. Use any method that works for you. Realize you are never going to be more important than the hoard. It is sad, but true.

Thank you, Diane, for sharing your experiences! If you are a child of a hoarder and are interested in being interviewed over email, please shoot me a message!

Interview series: Fury

A reader who would like to go by the name Fury was kind enough to answer some questions about his experiences being a child of a hoarder as part of my children of hoarders interview series. Take it away, sir!

I am a software engineer, with a background in System Administration/QA, working at a Financial Services company. I am into video games, weightlifting, and keeping my own hoarding tendencies in check. I struggle to keep the balance, but have a great fiancée who helps keep me in check and level-headed. She's very understanding and helpful in the process of rationalizing interactions I have with my HP, when you can actually apply logic/reason to the situation. That's probably the hardest part to most of the interactions is that logic/reason don't apply in any way/shape/form. Sometimes I wish you could force a HP to seek out help, especially if they can't see the problem!

Which parent hoards? Mother

Do you have any hoarding tendencies? I think I have the tendencies, but under control for the time being. There's the ever-present "need to acquire new things" temptation that I fight with a lot. It's an ongoing struggle, but at least I'm fighting it/seeking help for it.

Is there a history of hoarding in your family? If so, who else hoards? I would definitely say yes to a family history of hoarding, I can think of at least a few aunt's that have a lot of "stuff," and can remember them "collecting" various things beyond any sort of normal means. In a couple instances it's probably more the traditional definition of hoarding, where the rooms aren't usable for their intended purpose, whereas others just have a lot of stuff/large areas to store it so it's not as detrimental in that regard, but probably still in the financial aspect.

What are your hoarding parent (HP)’s favorite things to hoard? Household products, clothing, "gifts" for every friend/person she knows, but they never make it to the person. Kitchen supplies, food, and anything she finds at a discounted/bargain rate.

How is your relationship with your HP? What relationship? There hasn't been one in over a decade, at least. I maintained contact while I was still paying off some of my student loans in her name, but now she'll call every few months when she realizes she hasn't heard from me in a while. I'd say people/family hasn't been her focus for nearly 20 years now, at least. It's frustrating having to be the adult in the relationship from such an early age.

Do you still live at home? If not, when did you move out? No, I moved out for college at 18, never looked back.

Does anyone besides your HP currently live in the hoard? If so, who and how are they handling it? Yes, my sister (who moved out/back in at some point), step-dad, and nephew. They seem to be enablers for it, and I'd even go as far to say my sister will continue the hoard long after my mother is gone. The shopaholic tendencies, poor decision making, "thrill" of getting something new, and inability to get rid of things are a perfect storm for the hoard. They also suffer from anger/frustration issues, which I shared until I removed myself from the situation. Being unable to change/improve the conditions you are in is mind-boggling-frustrating. I've seen the issues first-hand from my step-dad/sister, and fear for what my nephew will be growing up in.

Who else, if anyone, knows about your HP’s hoard? I know quite a few people in the family know about it, but since she's a "user" of people and burned most of the relationships, I'm not surprised no one has stepped in/said anything (not that it would matter, given how stubborn she is).

When did you first realize that your HP’s behavior was abnormal? I'd say 1996/7ish, when we had a cross-country move and my real dad was stationed in South Korea for a few years. Things started changing and the inability to throw things out/let things go started to get worse. While I was in the house, it was a constant fight/struggle to keep pathways/areas clear so we could LIVE. Once I left/my sister moved out, the house steadily declined.

When, if ever, were you able to disassociate yourself from the shame of hoarding and begin opening up about it? I'd say college was probably the first time, I mean, I talked about it/spent a lot of time at friends houses in high school since it was not enjoyable to live in. I'm not really ashamed of it, more, frustrated/annoyed to see it decline instead of improve despite how she'll talk about it when I'm away.

Have you ever sought any kind of therapy for dealing with your HP and living in a hoard? Yeah, I sought it in college a few times, and am currently seeking it on how to process/deal with some of the decisions I've had to make to survive the relationship/lack thereof.

Do you have any hope that your HP will eventually stop hoarding? Why or why not? No, I have no hope of her ever stopping. With how much she works/isn't home, I imagine she'll drop on the spot at a job and that'll be it. My sister will continue the hoard or be unable to afford the house and be forced to sell it. 

What is the most disgusting or interesting thing you encountered in the hoard? Mostly when she would keep things I'd thrown out, that was when it really started to sink in there was larger issues at hand. I haven't really been around/in the hoard for some time now since just being in that atmosphere causes my allergies to act up and the frustration at the hopelessness to return.

What is at least one positive thing you were able to glean from living in a hoard and dealing with your HP? I'll never live in that sort of environment again, I've got my faults and issues, but will never let it get that bad. I couldn't put my fiancee through it or future children.

What are some ways you coped with living in a hoard? I was able to keep my room in pristine condition. That and the internet, probably the only two things that saved me from the worst parts of it. Well, that and having a good group of friends to spend time with away from it.

Do you have any advice for others currently living in a hoard or trying to cope with their HP? Don't try to change the HP, unless they want to change, your efforts will always be in vain. Get out of the situation as soon as you can, and seek help from a professional to get your head on straight. Living with a HP isn't living.

Thank you, Fury, for answering my questions so honestly! If you are a child of a hoarder and are interested in being interviewed over email, please shoot me a message!

Interview series: Deedee

My second interviewee for my children of hoarders interview series is Deedee. The floor is hers:

I am a wife, mother of two adorable preschoolers, and full-time usability analyst for a large oil services company (which is just a fancy way of saying I design software). I have lived a great number of places along the East Coast and throughout the south, and while I currently live in Texas, I consider my home to be in Mississippi. I'm still struggling to sort out what parts of my life and how I think about things are related to growing up in the hoard, and what parts, regardless of how I acquired them, are worth keeping - but I think I'm making progress, and providing my kids a better life because of it.

Which parent hoards? My mother - although I'm coming to accept that my Dad was an enabler, and years of living with mom produced many things I would call "pre-hoarding" traits - wanting to collect things, being excited about acquiring, not limiting collections, etc. But Dad never reached the levels that my mom did (and does).

Growing up, the state of the house varied from "only slightly embarrassing" to "a friend called CPS on us" - but spent most of the time near that second mark. Roaches, moths, the whole bit. When my dad got sick about 9 years ago, it got really really bad - and when my dad died 2 years ago, it went off the deep end. I honestly think the house would be condemned if anyone inspected it.

Do you have any hoarding tendencies? This is a really hard question for me, as I am terrified of becoming my mother. I would say I have some "pre-hoarding" tendencies, but I monitor them very closely. I tend to be a little compulsive, so I have to watch my buying habits and acquire things carefully - with a mind as to where I will put them, how much I really need, and so on. I think most of my problem is with habits - I don't know "how" to clean, or what habits I need to keep everything clean. But I try really hard, and I'm determined to keep the house clean enough for my kids.

I struggle with determining what constitutes a "normal" amount of cleaning for a house - some days I clean like crazy, other days not so much. My house is not magazine perfect, but it is "clean" - not gross, I scrub the bathrooms and kitchen regularly, etc. I probably don't sweep and vacuum enough, haha. And my kids have too much stuff, but I try to keep things organized and cull down a couple of times a year. My husband helps a lot, he's very patient with me, but totally over my mom entirely. He's still finding out things about my childhood that upset him (we've been married 8 years, and dated 4 years before that).

I do have this fear that something will happen (I'll get sick, or my husband will, or someone will die, or there will be a fire, or any number of other traumatic events) and I'll go off the deep end and start hoarding. Or just not be able to keep up with the house. I think working to put good habits in place and keep the house in order helps calm this fear, but it's still there.

Is there a history of hoarding in your family? If so, who else hoards? My mother's sister hoards, but it's more of a clean hoard. Just dusty, not rotting food and such. I suspect my sister hoards, but I don't know. My mom (and her sister) were adopted, so I don't know much about their biological family. But my mother's adopted mother always kept a magazine quality house. My father's mother and sister keep neat and tidy houses - something my mother made fun of them for when I was growing up, saying they couldn't afford to have enough stuff to have clutter. Ha!

What are your hoarding parent (HP)’s favorite things to hoard? Everything. Food and food wrappers are a lot of it, but also vitamins, health food stuff, crafting supplies, and paper - she used to print out every web page she went to "so she could read it later", and that generated a ton of paper. She has fabric from years ago that she was going to make into a quilt, baby clothes she bought for my kids before they were born (or thought of) that never made it to us, tons of organizational supplies, trading cards, you name it.

And books. She has so many books that my grandmother built a huge, almost two story, four car garage in the back yard to use as a library - complete with built in shelves. All the shelves are full of books, and the walkways between them and the rest of the garage are full, floor to ceiling, with books and other things.

How is your relationship with your HP? Right now we talk once or twice a year, and she occasionally comments on my facebook posts. So basically, no relationship. I pretty much broke contact about two years ago, when I realized how abusive she could be and how badly she was affecting my mental health. The break was hard (and still is sometimes), but my day-to-day life is so much better not having to worry about her and accepting the fact that she will not change.

Do you still live at home? If not, when did you move out? I moved out to go to college when I was 17 - but still went home for school holidays (if the dorms were closed) until I got married at 22 - a month and a half after graduation. I cleaned a lot oat the house, and kept things livable at least some of the time. Everything got a lot worse when I left (both for college, and then again when I got married) - I think part of this is because I wasn't there, and a great deal of it is because my dad got sick. Added stress on mom meant more hoarding.

Does anyone besides your HP currently live in the hoard? If so, who and how are they handling it? My dad lived in the hoard until he passed away two years ago - he tried to clean as much as possible, but was very passive when it came to mom. I think he didn't want to upset her, and he had kind of given up on keeping it clean. The last couple of years, he just didn't have the strength (or sight) to do anything about it.

Now, my mom lives alone, although I hear through the family grapevine that she's acquired a couple of kittens.

Who else, if anyone, knows about your HP’s hoard? My dad's whole family knows - his mom (who lived with us for a while), his sister (who his mom now lives with), and his sister's whole family. My mom's sister knows. Not many people that mom knows outside the family, I guess, except my husband's family - we told them and showed them pictures two years ago.

My bible study group knows, and several of my friends. I'm fairly open about it now, and just straight up tell people if they ask about my mom.

When did you first realize that your HP’s behavior was abnormal? I was homeschooled, so it took a while - I think it became really obvious when I was in college, but I knew before then that other people kept their houses clean. I did have a few friends through church, and I knew I couldn't invite them to my house.

When, if ever, were you able to disassociate yourself from the shame of hoarding and begin opening up about it? Only within the last 3-5 years. Being on the COH boards helped, as well as having the support of my husband and my dad's family. And therapy. I figure the more open I can be, and the more people in my life that know, the more people can stop me if I start heading down that road. Plus, I'm just tired of keeping secrets.

Have you ever sought any kind of therapy for dealing with your HP and living in a hoard? Yes - I saw a therapist for a while after my kids were born - I had two children under two years old, was dealing with some postpartum depression, had lost my dad, and was trying to figure out how the hoarding affected me as a parent. I was terrified that I would turn into my mom, and my relationship with her was dissolving. Therapy was very helpful in getting me to open up, and realized that it's not my fault and that I can provide something better for my kids. It's also helped me open up to my husband more about the situation - although he was aware of the hoarding, he's still learning things about how my family operated and how the hoarding affected us.

Do you have any hope that your HP will eventually stop hoarding? Why or why not? No. Even with roaches and mold and general nastiness everywhere, she still thinks it is not a problem. She still thinks it's my fault, and my siblings. because we left all the stuff in her house. Unless she can see it's a problem, she will never change - and I don't think that will ever happen.

What is the most disgusting or interesting thing you encountered in the hoard? Food. Rotting food is disgusting. And insects. And rodents.

One time, when I was maybe 8 or so, I found on a table one of the super-yummy giant gourmet muffins that my mom liked to eat - it had been a three-pack, but there was only one left. I turned to mom and asked if I could have it, and as I picked up the package to show her, a couple of giant roaches crawled out of the wrapper. She looked, horrified, at the roaches, then shrugged and said "If you want it, I guess you can have it." I threw it away.

Another time, my husband and I were visiting my parents (right after we got married, I think, maybe our first Christmas). My mom mentioned they had been having some rodent problems (which we had noticed by the number of droppings on every surface). My sister (who lived in the hoard at the time) went to pick up her coat that she had thrown on a pile - and discovered AFTER she had put it on that it had stuck to a glue trap that had a live mouse still stuck to it! Everyone freaked out so much my husband had to go extract the glue trap (and mouse) from her coat. I was mortified.

What is at least one positive thing you were able to glean from living in a hoard and dealing with your HP? I've learned the importance of acknowledging my faults and asking for help, as well as accepting help that is offered to me. After my son was born, I was so overwhelmed with working and dealing with both kids and my husband and the house (and my mom), that I thought I would drown. I saw a therapist, and told my husband I needed more help - he took on more than his fair share of the kids and the housework for a while, and hired a maid twice a month for a year until I got my feet under me again. My mother would have never admitted she needed the help, or allowed a maid in to help her even if it had been offered.

I'm also super good at remembering where things are, if they are some place odd. This doesn't mean I can always find my keys, but it does help a lot :-)

What are some ways you coped with living in a hoard? I read. A lot. We had a lot of books. I still love to read, and still use it as an escape sometimes. I have too many books, probably - but anytime they overflow the shelves I pare them down and get rid of some until they fit again, so I figure it won't get out of hand :-)

I also spent a lot of time daydreaming. And I got a job, in high school, that took up a lot of time.

I cleaned, when I could, but got tired of cleaning ALL THE TIME only to have the space instantly fill again - or throwing away a newspaper that was 6 months old only to be told "I was going to read that!" So cleaning was sporadic. Mostly I just read and daydreamed.

Do you have any advice for others currently living in a hoard or trying to cope with their HP? Just remember that hoarding is most likely a result of mental illness - if your hoarding parent won't admit that they need to change, then there is nothing YOU can do to change them. It's not your fault that they are the way they are, or that the house is the way it is. And if you need to walk away from your HP to keep your sanity or to protect yourself or your family - DO IT! Don't let anyone guilt you into continuing to offer help when the help is refused or unappreciated. Remember that it's okay to love your parents and still set boundaries with them regarding how you will interact and what kind of behavior is acceptable. Live YOUR life, not theirs.


Thank you, Deedee, for taking the time to answer my questions so thoroughly! If you are a child of a hoarder and are interested in being interviewed over email, please shoot me a message! 

Interview series: Becky

First up for my children of hoarders interview series is Becky. Take it away, Becky!

My name is Rebecca. People call me Becky at my Dad's insistence, he said that Rebecca was from Sunny Brook Farms and did not want people relating to me in that manner. (I love that story!) I am 38 years old. I am the mother of 3 children. Two of them are now "legal" adults and my youngest is 6 years old. I have my own small in home Day Care business. I enjoy being around the children, playing with them, helping them learn and watching them grow. I live in NE Arizona in a small mountain community. I love it here. When my time is not spent with the children, I like to create things through crafts, and read when the time permits. I am also taking college classes to eventually get a degree in Early Childhood Education.

Which parent hoards? My Mother was the hoarder. She was quite good at it. I lived with her up until I was 13 when my parents divorced. My Dad then married my Step Mom and moved back into the house and my Mom moved out. My Mom died 10.5 years ago. She lost her battle with Cancer. We were not really close, yet not estranged. I would like to add that my Dad has been known to collect things. He usually has 2 or more of the same thing. He is not a messy or dirty hoarder though. And.. his house and space are accommodating to his things. Like, he is a mechanic and has 2 huge tool boxes. Filled with tools.

Do you have any hoarding tendencies? Yes. I would consider it an organized collection of my things. I do day care out of my home so I have a lot of toys. I also have adequate storage for the toys. A toy box, and various totes for the toys to go into. I also do scrap booking and just recently have organized it and all my craft stuff into plastic roller drawers. My Non organized stuff has to do with my papers. Piles of mail that I am not sure if I have to keep or just put in a pile cause I do not want to deal with it. My house is clean though. (with some table clutter)

Is there a history of hoarding in your family? If so, who else hoards? My Mom's Mom hoarded. (I was 13 when she died, and I do not remember going to her house ever. I did see pictures. It was like the worst of the worst on tv. My parents had 4 kids and all of us do not have a Martha Stewart house.

What are your hoarding parent (HP)’s favorite things to hoard? For my Mom, she did not throw stuff away. I always thought that she just did not know how to clean.

How is your relationship with your HP? I moved from CA to OH when I turned 18. I am 38 now. I moved to AZ 11 years ago. (my Dad and Step mom lived here... they are now divorced 2 years ago. My Dad moved back to CA with my sister. He is 74.) Since my Mom has died we have a fantastic relationship, I talk to her when ever I want! (I have a sense of humor.. sorry) But before she died, since the internet had just taken off.. and everything was on dial up. Long distance was very expensive.. I lived 1200 miles away. Last time I saw her was 7 years before she died, due to me living so far away.

About 2 weeks before she passed away, I called her to ask a question. We ended up staying on the phone for 2 hours. A week later she was in the hospital, a few days later she was in a coma. I never got to go to her to see her to say good bye. But our phone conversation to this day means the world to me. She spent a lot of time telling me how sorry she was that she was not a better mother to me. I explained to her that she was a great mother and I have a lot of wonderful memories because she tried so hard... She did a great job to make it so we had life outside the house. She tried so hard. At her Memorial there were so many people who knew nothing about the conditions of her house. Funny thing is when we went to her Mother's memorial all those years before, we heard them talk of our Grandmother and kept saying to each other.. who are they talking about?? Some how a lot of the hoarders are the best people. I wanted to add this because I now know I am not ashamed of her, or what happened in her home because she was broken. I choose to live differently so my kids do not have to experience what I did. I also want to spend the time with them instead of working out of the home. They also did not do a whole lot of extra activities. I am starting Cub Scouts with my 6 year old son. Maybe I can bring some of her great memories back to me.

Do you still live at home? If not, when did you move out? I moved out before I was 18 into my sisters house because I was pregnant. (Step mom moved my stuff out) I did not consider moving into my Mom's house because I did not want my child in that environment.

Does anyone besides your HP currently live in the hoard? If so, who and how are they handling it? When my Mom died, she lived alone.

Who else, if anyone, knows about your HP’s hoard? Her children, my Dad, her Mom (before she died), two of her friends, her Grand children

When did you first realize that your HP’s behavior was abnormal? For as long as I can remember I knew it was not right. So maybe 4? But, when I was told my friends could not spend the night. I would go to their house and it was clean, nice.. you could walk on the floor, find and play with their toys, clothes, etc. When my Dad sat on the porch on Christmas because he could not let one of his Cousins inside. I was about 8.

When, if ever, were you able to disassociate yourself from the shame of hoarding and begin opening up about it? When my parents divorced, I was 13. I was put into counseling. We talked about things in there. When I lived with my Step Mom and Dad.. she taught me how to clean a room. Where to start, what to do. I began cleaning my room/space better. I visited my mom Every other weekend and tried to clean her house, but it was too much.. and she would get mad. When I completely moved to Ohio and had my own house to clean, that was when I really figured out how to clean a house and get rid of things. When the shows came out about hoarding, I am able to talk to people about it because it is more known about, talked about now. So.. I am not sure. I recently came across pictures that were evidence in the divorce. I saw pictures of my room, the rest of the house. Part of me thought that the mess was just in my head and it was not that bad. As a parent, I look and I am floored at the conditions. I guess we all tried to down play it.

Have you ever sought any kind of therapy for dealing with your HP and living in a hoard? I was placed into therapy by my Dad and Step Mom 25 years ago. I am not sure if we talked about the hoard though. It was the mess and the divorce. I do not think I would need therapy now to deal with the HP now that she has died. Living in the hoard was in my early childhood. I do know that some of my behavior toward my Day care and my son, and my older teens toys and room has to do with when I was a kid I could not play with my toys because they were never together. How do you play with a big plastic farm with no animals to go with it? Or a puzzle when pieces are missing? Or Lego's when you cannot find them all? So, I spend a lot of time re-organizing the toys so they are together and the kids are able to play with the items together.

Do you have any hope that your HP will eventually stop hoarding? Why or why not? As far as my Mom, she died from Cancer. I am sure if she would have taken care of herself better, sought treatment sooner, she may have had a better chance to beat it. But she lived a life where everything was a secret and did not think that things were wrong when they were. Ended up dying at only 59 years old. I am 38 and I have had 3 mamograms already and I go to the doctor when things are not right with me because I believe if my Mom would have, things would be different. Also, I do not want my kids to go through loosing me because I was too scared to take a test. As for my Dad, he is a different kind of hoarder, or collector as I call him. He goes on missions to get items. Like, Pressure cookers. Now, all 4 of his kids have different sizes, with the different parts, and he photo copies the recipe books for all of us. He does not get things, to keep only for himself. He likes to share them with us also. So, I think there is hope for him. Besides, he is 74 he has earned the right to have an extra tool if he wants one.. as long as he is not tripping over it!

What is the most disgusting or interesting thing you encountered in the hoard? I think for me being so young I experienced it differently. The basics to me now of disgusting is the refrigerator, no counter tops to cook in, the kitchen floor.. ew. Those are things that I clean off the most in my home. OH ... we had animals, and when I was small I thought dog poop was supposed to be white. That to me now is disgusting.

What are some ways you coped with living in a hoard? My brother and I had rooms over top of one another, we put a rope out the window and a little box, and we passed things to each other. We also had walkie talkies that we loved to play with when we could find them and the batteries were not dead. I also spent a lot of time across the street at my friends house. Her mom later became my Step Mom. (I now say "be careful what you wish for") I learned to throw things that looked like trash away when my Mom was not looking. My Dad was a member of a Camping Club. We used to go camping one weekend every month during my entire life. That weekend we did not have to be at home.. fighting the mess. We were normal kids for that weekend. My Dad still talks about how he tried so hard to let us be normal. He had to let her go and the mess. I never saw a man cry harder than he did at my Mom's Memorial. He loved her truly but could not fix it .. those were his words. He is an amazing Dad. I am so lucky to have him.

Do you have any advice for others currently living in a hoard or trying to cope with their HP? My advice would be to seek professional help for the HP. See if any one can help the parent or person learn a different way. As a child, I was angry with her. I did not understand why we did not have a nice clean house like my friends did. As a teen I learned that it was sort of a sickness that she had that I needed to accept. I did not want to. After I moved away I was not a part of it all. I did not see her home until after she died. By that time my siblings were asking me if I wanted anything. Then, I did not. Now, I wish I would have looked to see if there were anything small. Jewelry, ring? Something.. that I could hold that was hers. Now I only have pictures. Items that she had lost over the years I tell myself they were victims of her hoard. That I might still have my yellow Monkey named Sassy if I would have saved her. Now, I feel sad that she lived so alone. So in her world that she was trapped in. I was thinking about her yesterday. Wishing I could hear her voice again. I hope that others who have a parent who hoards can see past the hoard to who the person is. What they contribute outside their hoard, their home, their comfort zone. I know now that a part of the mind breaks and allows the hoarding to happen. That my Mom's broke when she was a young child and her father died when she was only 8. I know how much my Daddy means to me and if I were to loose him so young I would have been broken also. I feel sad that she broke so young. Now that she has passed and I can talk to her when ever I want.. I tell her how much I love her, and how I am glad she is fixed now. I forgive her for the way I grew up because it was not healthy for me to hold onto such pain. I wanted my kids to know different. I watch the shows, hoarding, Burried alive.. etc.. I record them so I remember and then I clean something. Organize something else. It is like my therapy. I wish at moments things could have been different for her then they would have been different for us.. but I would not be who I am today with out her, so do I wish she were different?? I am not sure. I just know that today, I accept that she had a problem that was bigger than she was and it is over. We are both at peace.


Thank you so much, Becky, for being brave enough to be my first interviewee! If you are a child of a hoarder and are interested in being interviewed over email, please shoot me a message! 

Interview series: Me

As mentioned previously, I am starting a children of hoarders (COH) interview series. To start things off and to break the ice, I thought I would answer my own questions myself. I've mentioned some of these details here and there throughout the blog, but I thought it would be nice to have them all here in one place so that it will be easier for others who are interested in learning more about my past to find that info.

I have a few interviewees lined up that I will be posting soon, but I'm definitely looking for more COH to talk to! If you're interested in being interviewed, shoot me an email and we'll make it happen.

Without further ado, here's me interviewing myself (which was admittedly a little awkward):

Which parent hoards? My mother is the hoarder.

Do you have any hoarding tendencies? No. When I was younger, I would hold on to things because I thought that it was normal, but as I’ve gotten older, I am pretty adamant about fighting clutter and keeping things neat.

Is there a history of hoarding in your family? If so, who else hoards? As far as I know, my mother is the only hoarder in the family.

What are your hoarding parent's (HP’s) favorite things to hoard? My mother loves to hoard clothes, mail, newspapers, and food.

How is your relationship with your HP? At this point, I barely have a relationship with my mother. I see her a few times a year, usually for holidays and family events, but otherwise, I don’t go out of my way to see or talk to her. Because relating with her was just too painful and stressful, I put that ball in her court a few years ago and have barely heard a peep since.

Do you still live at home? If not, when did you move out? No, I do not. I moved out when I went to college when I was 18.

Does anyone besides your HP currently live in the hoard? If so, who and how are they handling it? Thankfully, no. My brother and I both lived with her after the divorce when we were young, but once the hoard started to build back up in our new place, my brother moved back in with our dad. I moved out for college and since then my mother has been living alone.

Who else, if anyone, knows about your HP’s hoard? My brother, my sister-in-law, my dad, a handful of my friends, some of my sister-in-law’s family. The word has slowly been spreading.

When did you first realize that your HP’s behavior was abnormal? I think in the back of my mind, I always knew that our house was different since my friends’ and relatives’ houses were clean and tidy in comparison. I don’t think it was until the hoard got so bad that I couldn’t invite friends over anymore that I realized that there was something wrong about the situation.

When, if ever, were you able to disassociate yourself from the shame of hoarding and begin opening up about it? Outside of two or three people that I told in high school while I still lived with my mother, I didn’t really start talking about it to other people until I was in college and had some physical distance from the hoard. The more I talked about it and lived on my own, the more I realized that the hoarding was my mother’s problem and not mine.

Have you ever sought any kind of therapy for dealing with your HP and living in a hoard? Yes, a few years ago, I went to therapy for about 6 months or so to work through some issues, including my childhood and my relationship with my mother. I highly recommend therapy to any COH.

Do you have any hope that your HP will eventually stop hoarding? Why or why not? At this point, no. My mother still lies about the fact that she is a hoarder, so I don’t see any hope in a behavioral change until she can admit that she has a problem.

What is the most disgusting or interesting thing you encountered in the hoard? The most disgusting thing I found in my mother’s hoard was when I came home from a summer away working at a resort and found the toilet full of feces and maggots.

What is at least one positive thing you were able to glean from living in a hoard and dealing with your HP? I learned a lot about resourcefulness from my mother. We learned to make do so much that it became a natural thought process for me. I’m also content with having very little because I’ve seen the dark and ugly side of having too much.

What are some ways you coped with living in a hoard? I think I was lucky in some ways because I was able to escape from the hoard every other weekend to visit my dad. I also had friends who liked to have sleepovers. I really savored any time I was able to stay in a normal household and tried to recharge my batteries that way. I also kept my bedroom as neat as possible so that it felt as though I had a type of haven when I just couldn’t handle all of the decay around me.

Do you have any advice for others currently living in a hoard or trying to cope with their HP? It will get better. I would encourage you to get out of the hoard as soon as you possibly can if you are still in it and then try to find a way to deal with your parent(s) in the most guilt free and painless way you possibly can. That might mean severely limiting or cutting off contact with them. This is okay. If that is the only way you can love them and stay sane, then that is what needs to be done.

For more info about my past, you can check out this post.

If you would like to read more children of hoarders interviews, Becky and Deedee were both kind enough to volunteer.

Children of hoarders interview series

by Rusty Sheriff via Flickr

Are you a child of a hoarder? Do you know a child of a hoarder? I would like to start a guest post series that revolves around interviewing fellow children of hoarders.

We all have a different story to tell and telling those stories will help us to create a stronger community. The Children of Hoarders message board on Yahoo! is an excellent resource, but I often don't get a good sense of someone's background and, therefore, can't connect as well. Also, when someone does introduce themselves, their message tends to get buried rather quickly.

I want to start this interview series so that we can all get to know each other better, especially those of us who blog or are active with social media. If there's anything I've learned about being a child of a hoarder, it's that a support system is essential to creating a healthy balance in your life. Would you be willing to be interviewed? Send me an email at squalorhollerblog at gmail dot com so we can get started!