Monday, April 7, 2014

One year

I've been running, I've been creating, I've been getting out, and I've been seeing the ocean.

There have been developments over the last few weeks that have made me question how far I've really come this year, how strong I really am. Do I still have shaking, uncoordinated calf legs or am I surefooted enough to navigate some rocky paths again?

I've cauterized parts of me, either purposefully or unconsciously, in an attempt to staunch widespread malaise and ultimately heal myself. Now I'm finding my scarred tissue being picked at. Sometimes I pick it out of boredom, sometimes I do it in my sleep, sometimes I cover my eyes while someone else does it, but more and more I've been doing it with intention. What am I going to find under there? Are the scabs going to be even thicker when they grow back or is this more of a controlled burn that will ultimately lay ground for better things to come?

I'm sorry to be talking in abstractions. I just don't know how else to describe the way I've been feeling lately. The anniversary of my dad's death is this week and it's got me thinking about this past year and the changes that it has caused. Are these for the best or do I need to realign? How's this grand rebuilding really going?

Like most things, only time will tell.