Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Summer blues

It must be a relic from my schooldays, but every summer, I fear that I am not embracing the season enough. When summer vacations used to be clearly delimitated by the end of one school year and the start of the next, there was a pressure to squeeze as much fun and relaxation out of everyday you didn't have to spend at school. I don't know about you, but I still feel this pressure at the start of every summer even though I have to go to work as if there were no such thing as a summer break.

These days, this anxiety usually springs up around mid-July, even though summer has clearly already been in full swing for a month or so. I think I live in denial during most of June, alternatively thinking that it doesn't matter that it's summer, it can't possibly be summer yet, or I'll have plenty of time to enjoy the weather. July tells me what's what though and then I start to scramble, trying to take road trips, sunbath, swim, and socialize.

This year is no different, yet it's entirely different. I still feel this rush to do summer things, yet I feel as though I can't really do them. The weather hasn't been helping this feeling: it's either been way too hot to stick even a toe outside or thunderstorming like you wouldn't believe. The main culprit for this apprehension though is the in between phase I've been in since May.

Since I moved to my dad's, I feel as though my life has been stuck on pause. I'm waiting and waiting for the job interviews to roll in and for me to figure out the next stage of my life. I feel as though I can't make extensive plans since I don't know when I'll get a call to come in for an interview or where I'll be living the next month or two. I'm a planner by nature, so this not knowing and up in the air feeling do not sit well with me. I want to know and I want to know now. Add this to the facts that I now live in a different town than my friends and boyfriend and I'm reliant on another person's schedule for my car pool to and from work most days, and it feels like I'm just going through the motions.

I love summer and all of the opportunities it presents. I keep trying to remind myself not to take this all too seriously or I really will miss out on all of the fun. I have to take what I can, when I can get it. Even though I can't make elaborate plans, I can find new places to explore and visit places nearby. I have to remember that it's not all or nothing, it's what I make of it. If I purposefully plan to squeeze sun into my day, I will no doubt feel better than if I didn't make an attempt at all.

This afternoon I sat outside and read during my lunch break so that I could get a taste of the beautiful weather. I feel better already.

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