|by Cayusa via Flickr|
So imagine my dilemma when it comes to my mother's birthday and Mothers Day. Some sort of acknowledgement is expected on those days, but for the past few years, I have not called my mother, sent her a card, nor given her a gift for these occasions. This makes me feel incredibly shitty, but I do it anyway.
My mother's birthday was last week and I continued my non-celebration of the date. I am not upholding silence to hurt her, even though I'm sure it does, just as it hurts me when she barely acknowledges my birthdays or accomplishments.
I am distance and silent because she needs to know that she still has sincere apologizes to make and actions to take. I have not forgotten her actions and it is not okay for her to continue to lie and ignore the situation at hand.
The only way I can love my mother right now is from a distance. It has taken me years to figure this out, but now that I have, I avoid one on one interactions with her. I hate for it to seem like I'm withholding gifts and signs of love as a punishment for her bad behavior because that's not the case. I am withholding gifts and signs of love because they are a gateway for her to be close to me and the pain would be too much for me to let her back into my life without her having found a way to heal herself. Also, she's a hoarder. She doesn't need any more things to clutter her life with.
My brother has now reached the same point as I have with our mother. We are both sick of her empty words and blatant denial. I hope that this year she'll look inward to discover the answer to why neither of her children contact her on her birthday or Mothers Day. I hope this year she finds the someday that she has always talked about.