Thursday, July 19, 2012

A very merry unbirthday

by Cayusa via Flickr
I am not a vindictive person. I do not do things intentionally to hurt someone. If I know that my actions will unintentionally cause someone else some sort of discomfort or inconvenience, I try my hardest to soften the blow. I like to think of myself as a considerate and compassionate person.

So imagine my dilemma when it comes to my mother's birthday and Mothers Day. Some sort of acknowledgement is expected on those days, but for the past few years, I have not called my mother, sent her a card, nor given her a gift for these occasions. This makes me feel incredibly shitty, but I do it anyway.

My mother's birthday was last week and I continued my non-celebration of the date. I am not upholding silence to hurt her, even though I'm sure it does, just as it hurts me when she barely acknowledges my birthdays or accomplishments.

I am distance and silent because she needs to know that she still has sincere apologizes to make and actions to take. I have not forgotten her actions and it is not okay for her to continue to lie and ignore the situation at hand.

The only way I can love my mother right now is from a distance. It has taken me years to figure this out, but now that I have, I avoid one on one interactions with her. I hate for it to seem like I'm withholding gifts and signs of love as a punishment for her bad behavior because that's not the case. I am withholding gifts and signs of love because they are a gateway for her to be close to me and the pain would be too much for me to let her back into my life without her having found a way to heal herself. Also, she's a hoarder. She doesn't need any more things to clutter her life with.

My brother has now reached the same point as I have with our mother. We are both sick of her empty words and blatant denial. I hope that this year she'll look inward to discover the answer to why neither of her children contact her on her birthday or Mothers Day. I hope this year she finds the someday that she has always talked about.

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