Sometimes, especially when I feel down, I like to go back and read things I wrote when I was a teenager. I wrote this entry in 2003 when I was starting to date my second boyfriend. He wound up breaking my heart. As I ease myself back into dating, this is a nice reminder to have patience with the process.
i haven't felt this way in such a long time, this intoxication from happiness. i keep thinking of what happened the last time, how badly i got hurt and how careless i was. am i ready for this? have the wounds healed enough for me to get involved with someone? i'm so scared, of almost everything. i just don't know what to do. i know how i feel. and i know what i'll be getting into. i don't know if i could handle another heartache in such a short amount of time from the last. the desires of my heart keep contradicting the reason in my mind and i'm left completely confused and frustrated. ugh! to be 16 and have your heart flying is not the easiest thing in the world to deal with. it's such a shame i have the past blocking something that could turn out to be wonderful. how could i have been so stupid? i was such an incompetent freshman girl. who knows, i still might be just as incompetent. this though, this is different. the situation is quite different. and i do know better, at least i hope i do. i just wish that there was some clear cut answer amongst all of this confusion. this intense attraction is not exactly helping the circumstance any, it's only making it more difficult to find a solution. i could so easily fall head over heels for him, no stopping me, completely jump into this. but i can't. if i'm going to do this, i want it to be progressive and slow, i don't want to rush into this. that would completely ruin this wonderful chance i have. the very last thing that i want to do is completely screw this up by rushing and not being patient. if this is going to be, i want to take it slow and savor every moment. i want to be content with just holding his hand and being close to him. i don't want to move on until i am entirely satisfied.