From the archives: identity crisis

by fotomarkus via Flickr

Sometimes, especially when I feel down, I like to go back and read things I wrote when I was a teenager. I wrote this entry in 2003 when I was going through an identity crisis. I realized that religion wasn't the answer for me and I was incredibly unhappy with my living situation with my hoarding mother. 

i can't sit still anymore. i find no comfort inside my own skin. i'm so unhappy, feeling so pointless, worthless, lifeless. i want so much and yet i can't have any of it. i had an absolutely horrible dream last night. a friend almost got raped until she threw the guy out of the window. why can't i just sleep? i hate nightmares, they only make it worse for me to live. i am so God damn confused about everything. i don't know who the hell i am anymore. i once knew, not too long ago. now it is all erased. i don't know even what i believe anymore. i just feel nothing. i don't feel God's presence, let alone any solace in Him. the only thing i have is this burning inside, all these emotions which i want to express, but can't. i have to live with this fire inside, which is not dying. so abruptly things change, i'm left feeling horribly alone and ignored, denied and avoided.