Monday, April 29, 2013

April is the cruelest month

by arleach84 via Flickr
Thank you all for your kind words and understanding while I stepped away from the blog for a little while.

For those of you who have been long time readers or who know me in real life, you understand that losing my father was a huge blow since my mother and I have such a strained relationship. I've stated many times that I feel as though I turned out so "normal" despite my hoarding mother because my dad had been my rock and his immense love and support counteracted the pain my mother has and continues to cause. My rock and my balance is now gone and I have to find new footing in order to navigate having a dysfunctional parent in my life.

My mother took four days to call me after my dad died. Four. I didn't see my phone ring and she left a vague voicemail that ended with her telling me that she was going to call my brother instead. She hasn't bothered to try to contact me again. I don't really have much to say to her and I highly doubt there's anything she can say to make me feel better, so I haven't felt inclined to call her back.

Many of my friends have stated how unfair it is for me to lose my dad since he was my only solid parent. I have to agree. It is unfair and cruel for me to lose such an awesome dad so young. It pains me everyday that I cannot share my life with him anymore.

I don't think there's anything that can prepare you for losing a parent and I don't think there's anyway to accurately describe how this feels. Everyday I have to remind myself that he is really gone. I'm just trying to take one day at a time and to consider that my dad would not want me to be sad and lethargic. All he wanted was for me to be happy. So that's all I want too.


  1. Sarah,

    You are such a brave, kick-ass person ( I admire the way you grab life by the balls and go where the wind takes you)that not only do I think that your dad wanted you to be happy, I'd bet a million bucks that he was extremely proud to have you as a daughter :)

  2. I'm very sorry for the loss of your Dad.
    As far as your mother is concerned, I believe that just because someone is related to you (even a parent) does not mean that they can be given a free pass for bad relationship behavior. I saw my husband's family force his sister to have a relationship with their (now-deceased) bi-polar mother, and it wasn't good for anyone. Cultivate and keep the relationships that make you a better person and remember all the good things you Dad passed along to you.