Monday, March 4, 2013

From the archives: anger

by psycholabs via Flickr
Sometimes, especially when I feel down, I like to go back and read things I wrote when I was a teenager. I wrote this entry in 2003 and, while some of it makes me cringe and I feel slightly embarrassed by my less than stellar writing, I think it's an accurate glimpse into how I felt living with my hoarder mother and how it made my teenage years even more challenging than they already were. I couldn't explain or understand it then, but I was incredibly depressed and hurt by my mother's behavior and it caused me to have very strong mood swings and search desperately for a way out. 

bad mood. completely. i was so happy before. mom came home and now i'm pissed. isn't that how it always goes? i get so irritable when people intrude on my thoughts when i'm in a thoughful mood. i just get so pissy, what the heck is wrong with me? i swear, i am the most insane, craziest person ever. as if my thoughts need special attention, like an infant. i just want to be free. driving. alone. music ringing. i just want to scream. i just want to cry hysterically. about nothing! ugh, mom is driving me nuts. we were having an argument about cars which evolved into a money talk which evolved into paying for college and then she walked out in the middle of her own sentence! and i wonder where i get my unstable mind... if i swore, i would swear my head off right now because i haven't been in this bad of a mood in God knows how long. i hate bad moods, they take you over completely, it's like a drug that runs in your blood stream and it just needs to run its course through your body. and it gets horrible when it reaches your brain- then you know you're in trouble. uncontrollable anger, like your whole body shakes and you want to cry and you just want to die because it hurts to be angry, it's like a slow painful suicide. i am such an odd ball, i guess it's just the mentally ill writer inside of me that likes to camp out in my soul and pop out at the strangest moments. i keep listening to bleed american by jimmy eat world. i just want to scream the lyrics at the top of my lungs, it like releases all the anger inside, like a cleansing. it's so completely odd how some songs just draw all of my thoughts out of me, like they spin the wheels in my head like a hamster on it's little wheel in its little cage in its little world. i wish i had that, i wish i was that. God, why must i be so touchy? i know no one like this. i am a complete freak and mental case who can't just abandon their thoughts. why must i think so much? why must i feel my thoughts? i think i am losing it, completely and utterly. i am slightly unhinged. if i wasn't such a happy person naturally, i swear i would have hung myself sometime within the past two years. hahaha, yes people, sweet sarah does have a bad day, and yes i do have other emotions rather than happy. freak out, i am real. i think i would scare off everyone who knows me right now, because i'm scaring myself. i just want to feel alive. i haven't felt it in so long. i want a sweet release. i got so close last weekend, i want it again, and forever. maybe i'm just really stressed out right now. but how can that be, i really don't have much to stress out about. oh whatever. can i run away and never return? i would love that.


2 comments:

  1. I know how you feel! I had the same thoughts as well when growing up, but only after getting away from the situation do you experience the freedom and release!

    I cringe when I look back at old livejournal entries online.

    It definitely seems like a normal response to the hoarding situation to place blame/try to rationalize it as something wrong with yourself. It's not though! Just a very unfortunate situation to grow up in :(.

    Hope you're enjoying the Wrong(I mean West ;)) Coast!

    -J

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    Replies
    1. Even though my old entries make me cringe, I'm so glad they're there to reread. As a teenager I thew away a few years' worth of paper journal entries and I really regret it now.

      The Wrong Coast is treating me fairly well so far ;-).

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