The stuff of hobbies

by ecstaticist via Flickr

Hello, friends. Things have been a bit quieter around here than I would like. Since the year is almost halfway over (seriously, how did that happen?!), I thought I would update you all on the progress of my challenges, as well as comment on an interesting thing I've observed in my attempts at enjoying life more.

• Write and mail at least one letter a month to a loved one: I believe I managed to do this every month except for April and I usually send more than one letter a month. I've really been enjoying picking out cards and thinking of reasons to send someone a letter. It makes me feel more connected to special days and the people I care about. I like to think the recipients enjoy this one too :-).
• Forgive someone who has hurt you in some way and really mean it: I haven't made any intentional progress on this one, but I have a few people in mind that I need to sit down and finish working through the pain that they caused me.
• Volunteer: No progress made on this one either. Now that my ceramics class is over, I feel like I'll have more time to devote to other things, so I'm hopeful that I'll make some headway soon.
• Stop dating for awhile: Gold star for this one. I was entirely single for close to three months and while I haven't been actively trying to date anyone, there have been a few instances where guys have crossed my path and we casually saw each other for a spell. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this in the near future- if I want to continue being rather passive about it or if I want to fully jump back in and try for something more serious.
• Be more active: Lots of gold stars here! I started running the end of January and I'm currently up to running 3.25 miles. I signed up to run my first 5K the end of June. I'm super, duper proud of myself for this considering how I thought I was terrible at running for most of my life. I've been hiking a ton as well and was even able to swim a few times.
• Go on a 1 week vacation to somewhere I’ve never been: Can I fudge on this one a little bit? I treated myself to a little birthday trip in May and spent about 5 days in and around Portland, OR. There's quite a bit going on between now and the end of the year, so I doubt I'll be able to take a vacation that's a full week.
• Be near the ocean regularly: I've managed to get out to the beach and the bay, mostly on hiking trips, about once a month or so.
• Start blogging again and post at least once a month: As you all can attest, this one is a big no. I've been managing to write a post about every 2 months. Something I definitely want to work on.
• Go thrifting once every two months: Another nope. Not a high priority, but something to consider doing when I'm feeling low.
• Make my pets happy: I think this one is a yes. My cats have been getting canned food for dinner and all the extra boxes they want to play in. I've also been paying more attention to why they misbehave and altering things accordingly. I feel as though I generally have been yelling at them less, but for some reason they've been acting like jerks the last week or so, so they may have negated all of that.
• Take writing more seriously: A big, fat no. I feel as though a few things have been conspiring against me to make this less of a priority. While I greatly enjoyed my ceramics class and am really glad I took it, it took up a good chunk of my free time and creative energy. Now that my class is over, I'm thinking I'll have more time and will be in need of a steady creative outlet. 
• Make strides to get my dad's artwork out there: Another pretty big no. I did finish scanning all of my dad's slides, but I still need to go back and rescan the slides of the pieces we think have the most potential, so we can have a higher quality image of them. I simply need to make this a higher priority and stop coming up with excuses.
• Be more creative/allow yourself to pursue hobbies and interests: I feel like I've done a pretty good job at this. Aside from my ceramics class, I signed up for a one day glass fusing class this month and generally feel less bad about and more excited to pursue creative things. I still feel like there's room to grow here though. I've managed to identify one thing that's been holding me back and I thought I would share it with you all since it no doubt has a lot to do with the way I grew up.

It will probably come as no surprise to you that I generally hate stuff. Clutter gives me feelings of anxiety, uneasiness, and loss of control. I feel as though I can't think as well when I'm surrounded by disorder and too many things. Considering I grew up in a hoard, it makes total sense for me to feel these things and I would say that broadly, not liking to have an overabundance of things is a good thing. When it comes to being creative and exploring interests, however, my dislike of stuff tends to hold me back since many hobbies require the acquisition of supplies or equipment in order to do them.

Want to run? You'll need sneakers and appropriate clothes. Swim? You'll need a bathing suit, towel, goggles, and a cap. Ceramics? You'll need the appropriate tools to work the clay. Reading? You'll need books. Knitting? Yarn and needles. Biking? A bike, lock, helmet, repair tools, and spare parts. Yoga? A mat and appropriate clothes. You get the idea.

The stuff of hobbies is what regularly holds me back from trying new things. I don't want to try something out because I'd have to get all the supplies and then if I don't like it, all those things will just sit around. Even if I do like it, those supplies will sit around unused when I'm not actively pursing the hobby. If I take up something creative that requires me to create physical things, those creations will also wind up taking up space, like all of the things I made in my ceramics class. One of the big reasons I'm not planning to continue taking ceramics in the very near future is because I feel as though I already have too many pieces of my pottery sitting around my apartment.

I haven't come up with very many solutions to this problem. I, of course, can try to be selective in what hobbies I undertake, specifically choose hobbies that don't require a lot of stuff, try out a hobby before I commit to purchasing supplies, and give away most of the creations I wind up making. The biggest hurdle for me though is the mental barrier I keep coming up against: the "stuff=bad" mentality I've ingrained in my brain. I can take all of these approaches in an attempt to convince myself to pursue an interest, but I will still have an aversion to acquiring stuff. The stuff will damper my enjoyment of the process and the results. The stuff will stop me from being as fully creative as I can be. I think taking my ceramics class was a big step in the right direction and I think the enjoyment I got out of that class will help propel me towards pursuing other hobbies.

There are clearly times when it is a good thing to allow stuff to accumulate: the pursuits of expression and creativity, physical activities, and things that enable pure happiness to be achieved. Rewiring my brain to embrace that concept is definitely going to be an ongoing uphill battle.

Travel lately: Chicago and Clearlake

I had been trying to make my way to Chicago for the last three years to visit friends and see what this iconic Midwest city had to offer, but didn't manage to make it there until a few weeks ago for a conference. I was there for just about a week, but sadly did not see as much of the city as I would have liked since my conference kept me incredibly busy. I did stop into Millennium Park to see the infamous "Bean" (actually called Cloud Gate).

Hiya!

Attracted by the bright colors, I also walked through the Boeing Galleries and saw an exhibit by Jun Kaneko titled "Legends, Myths and Truths." I had seen his "Dango" pieces before, but the standing bear type creatures (apparently they're supposed to be a badger or raccoon type animal) called Tanuki were new to me:

Kinda creepy, especially when walking alone

I really liked the vibe Chicago had and I plan to visit again to really spend time seeing its attractions and eating its highly rated food.

The day after I flew back from Chicago, I hopped in a car and went up to Clearlake, CA for a long July 4th weekend.

I water skied for the first time in 9 years, went swimming, got a tan, saw fireworks, pigged out, and just generally relaxed. Not too shabby of a way to spend a few days.

Have you been anywhere new lately?

The artist's daughter

This past weekend, I visited the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art (SFMOMA) because it was the last weekend they were going to be open before they closed for 3 or 4 years for a major expansion. My interest in art coupled with the knowledge that my dad would have loved to go further propelled me to make the effort to visit.

The museum was incredibly crowded because they offered free admission to everyone on their last days. I slid in and out of the groups of people to see photography exhibits, dystopian architecture drawings, and even some Matisse before I drifted into the rooms of abstract paintings. My dad was primarily an abstract painter and was incredibly influenced by Richard Diebenkorn (who just so happened to live the Bay Area for a large chunk of his life and so his paintings are found all over around here). Going into the museum, I was worried that I would be flooded with memories of my dad, but the way that the museum was arranged, I got distracted and kind of got lulled into a false sense of security. That is, until I went through a room of nothing but Clyfford Still and then, bam, turned my head to see this Rothko:

No. 14, picture from Wikipedia

I don't know if it was the radiating orange glow or the sudden realization that I was in a room full of my dad's idols, but tears flooded my eyes and I had to turn around and sit down on a bench in front of a Clyfford Still to minimize the number of people who saw me breakdown. 

On one hand, it's wonderful to have an artist father since he left so much of himself behind for us to cherish forever. On the other hand, knowing what inspired him and having his work at hand makes for a lot of gut punching moments of sadness. 

Diebenkorn's daughter is giving a lecture in a few weeks to kick off a special Diebenkorn exhibit at the De Young Museum. My dad would have killed to attend these events and so I am planning to go and enjoy the experiences, regardless of the potential tears I will cry and how much of a tool I'll make myself look. Maybe I'll even manage to tell Diebenkorn's daughter about how inspired my dad was by her dad and bond over being daughters of artists. 

Link love

Hi, friends. Today is the first Saturday in a long time that I have not had to deal with schoolwork- yay! School starts up again next week, so my freedom is short lived. This is my second to last semester though, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'd like to share a few things that I've come across over the last week or so:

I found this excerpt about mistakes from The Crown of Individuality by William George Jordan to be incredibly encouraging. I am going to add this book to the ever lengthening "to read" list.

Some more motivation has been had from a series of posts from The Simple Dollar, starting with this one, about the ten evils that prevent people from improving themselves and ways to overcome them.

Another very good looking graphic novel, Shortcomings, came across my radar and got added to the aforementioned "to read" list.

I finished reading The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest yesterday and was satisfied with the series' end. I was expecting to be left hanging more because I know the author had more books planned before his death. I  think I am going to start reading The Hobbit next because this nerd hasn't gotten around to reading the The Lord of the Rings yet and the boy just loves the series and can't wait for me to understand all of the LOTR references and jokes.

I finally got around to watching Mallrats today and I was quite underwhelmed. This is my third Kevin Smith movie and I'm afraid he just doesn't do it for me. I think I'm going to give Dogma a try and then give up.

Heebeegeebees

The other night, I dreamt that my alopecia got out of control. Multiple, huge, bald spots. I woke up scratching my scalp and was relieved to see when I looked in the mirror that most of my spot is now filled in with new hair. Whenever I think about the dream, my hair stands on end, I get goosebumps, and the tingling on my scalp makes me dig my nails in.

I went to see Black Swan Tuesday night and spent parts of it with my head buried in my beau's arm. I was expecting the worst and got it.

One of my coworkers informed me this morning about how they used to make a cut into a person's arm and insert a small pox scab to inoculate against small pox back in the day.

Can we stop grossing me out now, please?!

The Nameless Library

I came across a reference to this sculpture, the Judenplatz Holocaust Memorial, by Rachel Whiteread today while reading about lost and destroyed libraries for class. It is also referred to as the Nameless Library. This sculpture embodies so many of my interests, I can't help but be fascinated by it. I hope one day I can finally make my way to Vienna and see it in person.

Smooch

I have two bits by ee cummings to share with you today, which I think are rather telling of how the second date went last night.


"And the coolness of your smile is
stirringofbirds between my arms;but
i should rather than anything
have(almost when hugeness will shut
quietly)almost,
your kiss"



"up into the silence the green
silence with a white earth in it

you will(kiss me)go

out into the morning the young
morning with a warm world in it

(kiss me)you will go

on into the sunlight the fine
sunlight with a firm day in it

you will go(kiss me

down into your memory and
a memory and memory

i)kiss me,(will go)"


I'm quite tired, but happy this morning. My first class of the semester starts tonight and even that cannot stop me from smiling.

Why I write prose, not poetry

I took an intro to creative writing class as an undergrad and we were required to write a number of poems for the first half of the class. I typically do not write poetry when I write because the brevity and exactness of words intrinsic to poetry makes me restless. It doesn't feel very natural to me, as writing prose does. Regardless, I wrote a poem about my mother for that class that I will share with you. It's crowded with words and I'm warning you upfront that it is far from my best work, but I think it gives a good, general idea of my mother:

A Shred of Consolation

The diseased pink disaster of a robe,

probably bought for pennies

at the overstuffed Salvation Army

on the day its colored tag

offered an additional fifty percent off,

quickly became crumbling cotton candy,

matted down, worn away, tattered seams,

exposing the microscopic, polyester mesh

that held the whole blasted thing together

in one piece.

Nevermind the velour peach gown,

fresh with department store tags,

hanging abandoned on the bathroom hook,

adorning the seeping pipes and porcelain.

No, the one covered with short, wiry, root-exposed hairs,

each one shed as a martyr for her growing negligence,

would do until the inconvenience far outweighed the function.

Just as it willingly absorbed the breathless musk of mildew,

the overlooked bottom corner would soak up

the flood on the carpet while she dozed nightly on the couch.

I wonder if she ever made the switch to the newer robe or if she's still wearing cotton candy tatters. 

More inspiration from Rilke

What keeps me sane when dealing with parents, especially my mother:

"Avoid providing material for the drama that is always stretched tight between parents and children; it uses up much of the children's strength and wastes the love of the elders, which acts and warms even if it doesn't comprehend. Don't ask for any advice from them and don't expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it."

-Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Patience

I have a date with him tonight! To keep the butterflies at bay, I've been trying to focus on work and to remember these very timely words:

"You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

-Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Year in review

After hitting a low this past weekend, over the last week, I've slowly been feeling better about life in general. I've been watching The (American) Office back to back to back on Netflix streaming, I finished reading The Girl Who Played with Fire, I've been listening to my whole Beatles collection on shuffle, and I got to spend time with Lynn. I'm leaving tomorrow for Pennsylvania to see my family for Christmas. I'm looking forward to spending time with my brother, sister in law, grandma, and some old high school friends. Chances are, my mother will corner me on Christmas and talk to me about our past. I'm going to try to keep my emotions in check so that Christmas will not be ruined like it was last year. I will listen to her, but let her know that her actions need to match her words.

I enjoy making lists and keeping track of certain things every year. I have a "101 in 1001" list which is a list of 101 goals you'd like to accomplish in 1001 days. I'm currently on my second such list. Since we're nearing the end of 2010, I figured now would be a good time to post two of the things I keep track of on my 101 in 1001 list: the books I read and the places I traveled. A few months ago, I discovered the website the Day Zero Project that was made for exactly these 101 in 1001 lists. I transferred my list from LiveJournal (haha yes, LiveJournal. I only use it now to hold my 101 in 1001 list and to have a place to publish my yearly book list) and, of course, the Day Zero Project website is down right now, so I'm going to go off of the list I have on LJ that hasn't been updated in a few months.

One of my 101 in 1001 goals is to read at least 30 books a year. Last year, I managed to read a whopping 45 books. This year, I only read a measly 13. I'm fully blaming grad school for my poor performance. If I manage to finish any more books before January, I will update my list. Here are the books I read in 2010:

Getting Things Done by David Allen
Fun Home by Alison Bechdel
Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer
Howards End by E. M. Forster (reread)
On the Road by Jack Kerouac
Ambient Findability by Peter Morville
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
The Girl Who Played with Fire by Stieg Larsson
Benito Cereno by Herman Melville
Awkward and Definition by Ariel Schrag
Potential by Ariel Schrag
Likewise by Ariel Schrag
The Tempest by William Shakespeare (reread)

A few of my 101 in 1001 goals revolve around travel: visit more noteworthy places, increase the number of states I've visited, travel to Europe again. Since this list of traveled places is a few months old and I know I expanded upon it since, I will update it once the website comes back up. I will also update it if I go anywhere else before New Year's. I don't include when I go home to PA since I don't really consider that a travel destination. I'm happy to report that I visited a new state- Tennessee- and a new country- the Czech Republic- in 2010.

Washington, DC- twice
Harrisburg, PA- three times
Williamsburg, VA 
Prague, Brno, and other towns, Czech Republic
Sandbridge (Virginia Beach), VA
Chick's Beach (Virginia Beach), VA
Knoxville, TN 
Asheville, NC
Cowpens and Spartanburg, SC 
Charlotte, NC 
Cumberland County/Bear Creek Lake State Park, VA
Charlottesville, VA
Norfolk, VA

That secret that you know, but don't know how to tell

The perfect music to listen to while walking to and from work on cold, winter days while contemplating life, death, and unhappiness: Bon Iver.

The perfect sounds to listen to while walking home alone from bars and parties in the wee hours of the morning while crying, cursing men, and feeling sick, drunk, exhausted, and unwanted: your own breathing, the pounding of your heels on packed snow, your sniffling, your discontented sighs. 

The Sally Mann effect

I was finally able to see the Sally Mann exhibit at the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts this afternoon with Rebecca. Do yourself a favor and go as soon as humanly possible. It's haunting, it's eerie, it's touching, it'll change the way you think about photography. Beautiful, beautiful work. I am so glad I got to see it in person.

Her thoughts and approach to death and decay are so honest and real, it's really quite jarring to see a person so comfortable with decomposition. Seeing some of the images, especially the photographs she took while she visited the Body Farm, an area where human bodies decompose out in the open for forensic study, were difficult for me as I am quite the opposite of Mann in that death and dying have always made me uneasy. There was one image in particular that made my skin crawl.

There were a group of 6 smaller, color photographs that made my hair stand on end, but when I got to one that showed a giant cluster of maggots consuming a person's half eaten face, my tongue began to tingle in the back of my throat as if maggots were crawling in my own mouth, my stomach and throat began to retch, and my eyes stung and began to water. I closed my eyes and turned away.

maggots in the toilet, maggots in the toilet
the smell, the god awful smell

It took a minute for me to regain my strength to carry on and open my mind back up to viewing the decay that had hit so close to home.

I've seen cardboard boxes dissolve and become food for fungus. I've seen mold grow on every conceivable item of food. I've seen cat poop turn fuzzy. I've seen the pinks and the greens, the greys and the blacks of fungi. I've breathed in and smelled the simultaneous natural and unnatural smells of the airborne spores of these organisms that inhabited the same space I did for a decade. And yes, I've seen the undulations of maggots feeding off of feces in my toilet.

Just the thought of it all makes me itchy, sink my nails into my scalp and scratch uncontrollably. I want to jump into a scolding hot shower and scrub until my skin is red and inflamed, ensuring I've reached another layer. How did my teenage self endure such trials?

Living with the decay was worse than dying.

I want my pie in the sky

Like most siblings, my brother and I have some silly inside jokes, mostly revolving around experiences we've shared while we were growing up. For about 6 or 7 years when we were younger, my brother, my dad, and I went to West Virginia every summer to visit my dad's side of the family and to rent a cabin or camp at a state park. One summer, we were driving around small town West Virginia, trying to find a decent radio station to listen to. The airwaves are crowded with country and top 40 in that part of the country, neither of which are favorites of ours. While scanning the stations, the dial landed on a station playing an awful song from the 80s that none of us had ever heard before. We were amazed at the dated cheesiness and we turned it up so that we could hear the lyrics clearly. The words alone had us cracking up and we continued to banter back and forth about the song for the rest of the vacation. Over the years, the song has stuck with us and we bring it up from time to time whenever we're in a silly mood. My brother mentioned the song again over Thanksgiving break, instantly bringing us to stitches. I broke down a few years ago and looked up the song online so I could get the artist's name and, of course, I found the gem on YouTube. And so, I share with you "I Want to Be Rich" by Calloway, the song that never fails to make me giggle.

How should I begin

When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,

Then how should I begin

To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?

And how should I presume?

-T. S. Eliot, The Long Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

Sally Mann exhibit coming to the VMFA!

I found out today that a Sally Mann photography exhibit is coming to the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts here in Richmond. It opens on Saturday and will be here until January 23. Color me all shades of excited!

I wish I could remember exactly when and how I stumbled upon Mann's works, but sadly cannot. I do remember that I found one of her books of photographs either in a bookstore or a library as a teenager, found the nearest perch, and sat spellbound while I turned the pages, absorbing each and every photograph. I've remembered her name ever since, which is saying something since I'm usually pretty bad with associating names with works. I love the range of emotions she manages to capture coupled with the aged and worn feel of the photographs. The results are haunting.

The VMFA has really beefed up their exhibits since they reopened a few months. I'm so glad Richmond's attracting such great work. My dad and I are already excited about the rare Picasso show coming in February. There's really nothing better than walking in a trance from piece to piece, mouth agape, tuning out everything else, and feeling the push and pull of connection with the artist.